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Alright, so all of us who have gone out with someone and thought “WOW! Great person, but just not feelin’ the loooove connection…” stumble from time to time at the thought of trying to turn it into a friendship. Most would rather just disappear than perhaps add a new member to the friend family. However, some of the greatest friendships I have with guys have been plucked from the very fingers of this dilemma.
How’d I do it? 3 things.
Honesty.
Communication.
Acceptance/Respect.
I know, i know, you want to know HOW we actually made it work, but honestly it took a different course every time.
One time, I was interested enough to let him know that I’d like to go out again, but he kept it vague and carefully nice in reply. Thankfully, I’d read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” and responded to the signs that he wasn’t feeling it. So, I changed my replies from that of interested girl, to that of girl who likes you enough to invite you into the friend group AS A FRIEND. He reciprocated and our groups mingled into what is now one of my favorite groups of people. I’ve set him up with other girls. He’s set me up with other guys. Its been a good great friendship that I’ve come to cherish.
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Another time, my date was digging me and I was actually kind of smitten with another guy. I honestly communicated that I really liked him but wasn’t feeling the chemistry and was possibly in the start of another relationship. He replied with grace and checked back in from time to time to see what was going on. Eventually, I thought he might be perfect for one of my newly single friends and invited him to a small dinner party. They weren’t a match, but we developed a solid friendship and have remained friends to this day.
Another becoming friends situation happened when I really liked someone, expressed interest in another date and he sent me a Dear John letter in reply. Now, you may think that email was a wussy way to go, but not when you hear the rest of the story. I was stunned, since I really didn’t see it coming so I thought what the heck, ask him why. I did (not easy since he could have made me look very foolish, said something nasty or never answered) but… here’s the kicker… HE REPLIED. He was kind, honest and not detailed enough to offend but offered the best of all reasons as to why he didn’t see it working out. I was so impressed by his maturity, candor and honesty that I’m writing about it today.
There is one situation that you really want to avoid if you care about other people’s feelings …I know someone who I call a “stringer.” He is a dating fiend and just loops girl after girl into this pack that follows him around from event to event. He never clarifies that he’s not really into this girl, but kind of creates a weird half friendship/half are we on a date kind of thing. The kind of fall out that eventually comes from this has been catastrophic in the past. I’ve asked him why he does it and he just shrugs and says that he might change his mind. Meanwhile girls that he might actually fall for avoid him like the plague because they are smart enough to sit back and watch what is going on.
It doesn’t happen often, but I wish salvaging genuine friendships out of first and second dates happened more frequently… there is such a gift in knowing that you like someone enough to want to be their friend and its genuine in a way that 5 or 6 dates might never be. Acceptance is the key to turning honest communication into a genuine friendship. If you still have ulterior motives or think this will convince the other person to see you differently, it becomes the thing that every friend-maker fears. No one wants to feel like you might flip the tables on them at any point. So if you can’t accept that they don’t like you, then maybe it’s a better idea to just gracefully disappear. grin
